Wednesday, May 6, 2015

The 'Transition'

I was in the grocery store the other day on what was probably my third trip that week.  Life of a mom. Anyway, I was ready to check out and got behind a mom and her daughter that looked to be about 2-3 years old.  The little girl was in tantrum mode- crying and screaming about something she wanted to get.  The mom looked exhausted and something told me that this was not her only child but rather more than likely one of at least three or more. Instantly I cringed and blessed my lucky stars I did not have to deal with that anymore. I have been there. I know what this mom was going through and I felt for her, but it still made me cringe for my own situation.

Our miracle
In that moment in the store I realized I was totally, full blown, in the middle of the transition. Transition? Let me explain. Last September my doctor told me that since I was approaching 36 I probably needed to start getting over wanting another child.  UGH! I felt like he punched me in the gut. I know plenty of women my age just now getting married and having their first kids. Why is my doctor so pessimistic? In my heart I know he has every obligation to tell me this.  It is fact. He also asked me how long we have been trying for baby number two.  Eight years. Yes, eight years.  He knows full well that if it has not happened yet, it most likely won't happen.
I have always believed in faith and hope but more recent health issues somewhat related to Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome are probably about to put a nail in the coffin. This transition is real, present, and long.

I can say that over that last four years I have been in the transition going through various stages.  In the beginning I could not handle any pregnancy announcements (which no one seemed to understand but that is rant I will not go into here). I'd call this the "Leave Me The Hell Alone" stage. In those early years I found it so hard to even look at a baby. I kept all of our daughter's baby items and refused...REFUSED...to get rid of anything. Last year I finally condensed everything down and kept a tiny little box of memorabilia.

Last week, after seeing that screaming child in the store I realized I am in the last stages of this transition. That was confirmed when my daughter and I went to the library and parked behind a minivan. A mom was getting her four kids out of the car and prepared to go into the library. Yes, prepared. It was quite a task.  She was getting the baby set into the stroller, a girl around age two was running away from the car, and two boys between four and six years old were crying hysterically. The mom seriously looked like she was going to lose it. Again, good for her in this stage in life and I know her kids are not always crying but I mumbled to myself, "No way...no thank...goodbye....and goodnight."  Simply put--I am loving our little family the way it is right now. My daughter is at the age where she can help out around the house, do things for herself, and have a real conversation with me. It is beautiful and serene. My husband and I have more time for us and I can now focus on what I want to do with my career and future.

I will cherish that I have taken probably thousands of pictures of our one and only
Now don't get me wrong. I am not done with this transition. I wish I was like my husband who seemed to make the transition overnight....several years ago! He understands, however, that it is a long process for me and I am so thankful for his support. I still have moments when thoughts go through my head like, "I don't want to be done with finger paints and Mickey Mouse Club" or "Our daughter will be alone someday".  Those are the moments when I wish I could snap my fingers and have it be done and out of my mind. Someday.

The unexpected side of this transition is that it includes my daughter.  She, too, has to make the transition. For years she has drawn pictures of me with a baby in my belly, told me she asks God for a brother or sister, and has even refused to let me get rid of a few things because she says they are for her sibling.  This is as much a long process for her as it is for me.

My intention is not to be Debbie Downer.  No.  This transition is actually a really hopeful and happy path.  Our lives are going in a great direction right now despite this emotional roller coaster.  This post also proves that tomorrow is a new day and you never know what will happen or what will change. Live for the day.




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