Simply Summer

It's summer! It is a short summer for us..only 8 weeks.  We are packing in a lot of pool time and family time in those two short months. My daughter starts 4th grade at the end of next month and that is still hard for me accept.  She is in those full blown 'tween' years. Ugh. Can we say diva?

I am also working hard on getting to know my camera better and working with different settings. I haven't had time to work in Photoshop lately so my pictures are true to form right now.  I am not a big fan of altering pictures anyway. 

Hopefully my next blog post can have a little more meat to it, but with a 9 year old around whose favorite summertime phrase is, "I'm bored!", I am keeping busy.

Until next time.....

Last Day of 3rd grade!

The sky was beautiful. So I took a picture.

Our female duck that hangs around the yard.

Got some good shots of our female duck that hangs around.

I don't have much of a green thumb...I kill plants. I had to snap a picture before they die.

Another plant I will probably end up killing. LOL.

The two ducks that come every morning and evening to eat the bird seed that falls on the ground in our yard.

The birds get crazy around our feeder. They go through it all in less than a day. 

Beautiful bird that comes around a lot.

Summer!

Enjoying the beautiful weather during summer break.

Enjoying the outdoors...now if I could just pry the electronics out of her hand.....

Wordless Wednesday

 

Joey Feek's journey is my inspiration

I have been sitting on this post for a week now.  I wrote it last Wednesday. I know some people close to me who are very private, extremely private.  I have had people ask me how I can talk about PCOS and my life so openly.  Why not? I have nothing to hide. I am not ashamed of anything. I have been through a lot...from a heart condition as a teenager (which has corrected itself) to PCOS and to what I wrote about in this post. I have received strength from others with PCOS.  We all received a little strength from Joey Feek's story. She didn't hide it. If one person out there takes anything away from what I have to say then that makes putting my life out there worth it. 100%.  So here is the post as I wrote it a week ago. 


Joey Feek passed away on Friday. I didn't even know who she was until she got sick. I then found myself immersed in her difficult journey as well as her inspirational music. If you don't know, Joey Feek was part of the country music duo Joey + Rory.  She bravely battled cervical cancer for almost two years, but lost the battle last week. She (and her husband, Rory) handled it with grace and a strong faith. I like to think she showed us all what life is really about and it certainly isn't the superficial crap we tend to prioritize.


There is a reason why I personally took to her story.  When I was 19, I was diagnosed with severe cervical dysplasia- precancerous cells one step down from cervical cancer. Immediately, I had a procedure done using an electrical wire loop to remove the bad cells. At that point in time I thought it was over. It would all be fine. I had to see my doctor every few months for the first year to see if the procedure had worked.  Almost a year later my doctor told me the precancerous were still hanging around. Here I went..back in for another procedure. This time they would try and freeze off the bad cells. I was only 20 years old. This had to work. I always thought, "I am too young for this. I am young...I can easily fight this off."  Again, I had to go in every 3-6 months for check ups.  I did well....for the next two years.  I beat this. I did it!  Wrong.

When I was 22 another test came back again with severe dysplasia. This time I had to go in for surgery. They had to remove a larger section to fully remove the cells and do a biopsy on them.  I had the surgery exactly one year before my husband and I were to get married. We were also told on that day that due to the number of procedures I had already had done that scar tissue may mean we could never have children.  Exactly one year before our wedding. To the day.  Talk about a punch in the gut.

This stone in my parents yard makes me smile every time I see it.

I can tell you that I started to believe that I would not be around to see my 30th birthday. All these procedures were not working. My hope was strong, but began to waver when the surgery rolled around. I was newly engaged and had a whole life planned out. This was not something that is part of anyone's plans.

The surgery was a success.  I went back every six months for check ups and every test started coming back clear.  They came back great for five years. Five years of putting our future into motion...graduating from college, getting married, moving to a new city, building a house.  I got diagnosed with PCOS in those five years, but learned that I could manage those symptoms (most of the time).  We still had the hope that despite everything we could still somehow, someway, have children.  Years of trying for children passed by.  I then had another appointment for a check up on my cervical cells five years after the surgery. The severe dysplasia was back. Shit. 

I had to go in for a procedure to remove the bad cells....yet again. This time everything was different. I got to the office and they immediately did a pregnancy test. Negative. Ok. It had been years. That was not exactly shocking.  The doctor came in to the room. She paused and just looked at me with a look of concern on her face. She said she had a bad feeling. She knew we wanted children and she knew another procedure would hinder that even more. She just said straight to me, "I have a bad feeling. I think we need to leave this alone for now."  She told us to come back in 3 months and we could discuss what to do.  Yep...I won't live to see 30.  That is what I had in my head even though I try to be a positive person.

This is why I am here.

We went home deflated. We didn't know what to do...or what to think.  Three days later after not feeling the greatest I took another pregnancy test on a whim.  IT WAS POSITIVE! After all we had been through we were going to have a baby.

When I went back to the doctor for my first check up she told us it was a blessing we did not do another procedure for the bad cells because I probably would have lost the pregnancy  (it was too early for the test in the office to come back positive the day of the scheduled procedure).  After an ultrasound, the heartbeat was great and although I had a cyst on my ovary, my doctor believed everything would be fine. She was right...I had a great pregnancy.  We have our only child...our little girl.  I am so grateful my doctor had that "bad feeling" that day or else we would not have her. God works in mysterious ways. I knew for sure he was with me and my doctor that day.

Even more mysterious is that ever since our daughter was born every pap smear has come back clean. 10 years.  10 blessed years.  I hold my breath at my yearly check up, but my hope is a raging inferno. I may not have my dream job, I may not have the three kids I wanted, I may need to lose weight, I may have my imperfections but you know what?  I am here.  I just wish Joey Feek could still be here to see her child grow up, but what I take away from her is that every day is precious. Every day truly is a gift from God. Joey knew that and lived her last days with courage that I can only dream to possess.  I can only strive to live a life like hers...with faith and humility. Why I am still here is part of his plan.  I will make the most of these days that at age 22 I thought I would never have.



 

Unexpected Transitions

Me and my dad hanging out in the backyard of my first childhood home.

When I changed the name of my blog last year the meaning behind "Braving Transition" came about while reflecting on my life as I grasp the realization of infertility and accept life with only one child. However, January 2016 has brought about a new definition of "Braving Transition" that has nothing to do with infertility.

After a recent loss in my family I commented to my husband that life had changed. Life has slipped into a new reality without any warning. Transition of generations, passing on traditions that may not be upheld.  As I sat in my childhood church for the funeral and later in the church hall where so many family wedding receptions took place and where I ate lunch everyday while at the Catholic school, I think about those traditions and rich Polish heritage. I wonder if it will all be forgotten with my generation.
Will it all fade away? 

I call my parents more than they call me now just to see how they are doing. On my trip to my hometown last month my mom felt it necessary to explain what all of her last wishes are and what arrangements she and my father would want. I just kept saying, "okay okay, whatever mom. Let's talk about something else".  Yep. It's here. The next stage of my life. By the way...I don't like it. Not one bit. I had this overwhelming feeling that I was no longer just a child in the family being dragged along or told where to go or what to do. I am an adult. We are no longer the ones being taken care of, but rather the ones who have to step up and take care of family around us.

Our daughter is my biggest reflection of life transitions.

I have never been good at change which is ironic considering how much we have moved around. Seeing myself in this new role in life is just as much "Braving Transition" as the realities of infertility. Trying to find your place in this point in time can be a challenge.

Transitions are everywhere, everyday. Nothing stays the same. I know this. I don't expect life to remain static. Even life with our daughter is in transition. This week we have to go shopping because somehow in two weeks none of her clothes fit. What?! We also opened a college fund for her recently.  We test drove new cars this past weekend and I commented that by the time she gets her license she can have the car we buy this year. Wait...what?!? I am not good with change..can you tell?

I can be cliche and say, "Life goes by fast, enjoy every minute". We all know that to be true. What I take from this transition is "what can we learn from the generation before us?", "what can we pass on to our children", and "how can we keep the essence of our family, heritage, and culture alive?"
Those are the questions that come to mind when thinking of this new idea of "Braving Transition". 
What can you learn from your family and your traditions? Think about it. 

My mom, me, and my sister in Williamsburg, Virginia sometime in the 80's.

Me and a Cookie Monster shirt. My dad was an amateur photographer and now I am...transitions at work.

New Year, New Check Marks

2016. I am always shocked by how fast time flies by.  My daughter will be 10 this year. I can't wrap my head around that at all. I know a lot of you out there probably have at least one resolution this new year. Not me. I have found that when making these grand statements around the new year they are simply done out of tradition, habit.  Those resolutions are more than likely dust in the wind by Valentine's Day.

I prefer to envision what I want this year to look like come December 31st. Last year on New Year's Day I saw 2015 as a year of growth and a year that would end with very little waves made throughout the year. In simple speak--I wanted 2015 to be quiet and somewhat boring. I got my wish.  Maybe not all of you wish for a boring year. Who wants boring? Well....me. We have moved around a lot (selling houses sucks by the way), gone through job changes, had recent years with poor health of close relatives, and in 2015 all I wanted was calm. We got exactly what we envisioned.

Best Christmas present ever!

In 2016 I want to see check marks. Uh? What? Well, I want to knock stuff off a to do list.  I want to make progress and grow by leaps and bounds this year. I already have my first check mark and it is January 4th. I paid off a student loan...my largest student loan. This is huge for me. I went to a private college for 3 of my 5 years of schooling and was solely responsible for paying for it myself.  Maybe loans were not the way to go but I got my degree and that is what matters most. Check!

There so many other items on our check list this year such as beginning the process of saving and looking for a house, getting rid of a couple of other bills, get healthy and eat better, get a job,  spend more time with my parents, get out and enjoy the outdoors more, and take my passion further.

For Christmas my husband surprised me with a new camera. For the last year I have not even had the desire to take photos. My camera had failed me. My passion took a back seat and it really effected me. Now, with this new camera, I can once again pursue my passion and maybe take it to the next level and try to sell some of my photos. My husband knows me too well and knew what would get to my heart. He brought my passion back and for that I am grateful.

So here is to a year full of check marks. No grand statements about something big I am going to do or be better at, etc.  Just a year of knocking seemingly simple items off my list.

Happy New Year! What are your check marks for the year?

My new baby. Nikon D7100 pictured here with the 300mm lens with lens hood.

Playing around with my new camera and my daughter now claims my old Canon as hers.

More playing around with the new camera- color selection setting. Picture of our new favorite ornament.

Christmas Day and playing with the new camera

Exploring the settings on the Nikon.